just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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