Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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