Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
