I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
