Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just pee around me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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