i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
