Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
