dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
