John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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