Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
