I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
