They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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