I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Did I show you my penis last night?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
