i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
