i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize