We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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