just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize