somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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