So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize