Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
