Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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