this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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