I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
