So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize