I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize