My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
