every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
