It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Drake has all the answers
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
