Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
