i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
