I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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