She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
