I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
