went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
