Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize