Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
