Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
