Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
