Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
