I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
