I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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