I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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