I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
