ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
