So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
