Im at strip club and am horny
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
