I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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