yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
