I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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