I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
