I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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