I must be too annoying 4 u.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
