dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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