Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
