i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
