she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize