I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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