Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
