why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
