I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
