I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
