...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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