On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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