Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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