Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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