Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
