There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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