I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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