everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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